Not CRAZY

I am not CRAZY!

I have had these periods of debilitating fatigue for some months now. Actually, more like 18 months. When I started hormone replacement therapy they seemed to get better. At least shorter in duration. These are days when I can barely move. Literally. It's a struggle to tie my shoes. A struggle to get a glass of water. And yet the household and the jobs still require my attention. I wake up just as tired as when I went to bed the night the before. The fatigue is so bad that I'm nauseated. No appetite.

But it was better for some months this summer. Drugs. Plenty of drugs have kept me functioning. Three, actually. An estrogen/testosterone mix, an anti-depressant, and a sleep drug.

But the episodes have come back and some have lasted 5 or 6 days. I'm in one right now.

My doctor believes me. Always has. He's tested me for adrenal problems, thyroid problems, Vitamin D deficiency. He's checked for so many things that I can't even remember them all. The cyclic nature of this is undeniable, so we've always come back to menopause. With no uterus, it's tough for me to know where I am in a cycle, but these episodes do tend to come on about every 4 weeks. At about the mid-way point I experience a milder form of many menomania symptoms...a little blue, a little snappish, maybe a headache.

What I have discovered about myself in the past few weeks is that my thinking has been changing. In a way that both scares me and disgusts me.

I've begun to have recurring thoughts of what I CAN'T or SHOULDN'T do. I've never been that person. I've had feelings of fragility. Feelings that I should avoid some activities because they are too strenuous, I might get hurt, I won't have enough energy to do them. Activities as hard as lifting weights and as easy as going to the mall shopping. I've had fears that I'm going to turn into one of those fragile little old ladies who look like they might blow away at the next strong wind. And of course, I am small. I only weigh about 128 pounds. My bones are very tiny...bird bones, really. And I've had injuries lately...a twisted ankle, another ankle sprained, a strained shoulder muscle.

But today. Today I found a website about Menopause that talks about "Crashing Fatigue Syndrome." It could have been written by me about me! Amazing!

I see from the site that I am already doing many of the things suggested: Dietary, alternative medicine (massage and chiropractic...note to self: look in acupuncture), and I am already on HRT. But I think at my appointment on January 3 I'm going to ask about changing the estrogen level.

Anyhoo...I AM NOT CRAZY!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!